CONFIGURE YOUR MOD
Choose wisely. Or don't. Honestly, we're not sure what half of these do either.
30 packages. 10 add-ons. Infinite confusion.
Max Mod Nano
Just the button. That's it. Button presses dispense nothing. But you have a button. A really nice button.
Max Mod Micro
Button + beverage reservoir (12oz capacity). One cold one per charge. One is enough. Probably.
Max Mod Mini
Button + reservoir (24oz). Two cold ones. USB-C (1 port). Now we're talking. Barely.
Max Mod Basic
The entry-level cold one experience. 32oz reservoir. USB-C (2 ports). Bluetooth 5.0 (not 47.3). For casuals.
Max Mod Standard
Everything in Basic but slightly better in ways we haven't specified. Trust us. It's standard.
Max Mod Standard Plus
Standard but with a '+' in the name. Worth $1,500 more? You decide. We already decided yes.
Max Mod Enhanced
Now with enhanced... enhancement. LCD screen (monochrome). Bluetooth 12.0. What happened to 6-11? Don't ask.
Max Mod Premium
Color LCD. Bluetooth 30.0. USB-C (3 ports). 48oz reservoir. The name says premium. We agree with the name.
Max Mod Pro
For professionals. Whatever that means in this context. Full color LCD. Bluetooth 47.3. The real deal.
Max Mod Elite
You're elite now. Everything in Pro plus a second button. Why two buttons? Don't ask questions you're not ready to hear the answers to.
Max Mod Ultra
Dual reservoir system. Hot AND cold beverages. Revolutionary. Coffee on the left chest port. Cold one on the right. Dual chest cavity architecture.
Max Mod Mega
Triple USB-C. LCD with touch. Beverage temperature display accurate to 0.001Β°F. For when "cold" isn't specific enough.
Max Mod Giga
1 gigabyte of internal storage. Store your beverage preferences. Also mp3s. Turn your chest into an iPod. Steve Jobs would be... confused.
Max Mod Tera
1 terabyte. That's a lot of beverage data. Neural link preview included. Your thoughts become drink orders. Think responsibly.
Max Mod Peta
Named after a unit of measurement, not the organization. Includes draft system. Yes. A DRAFT SYSTEM. In your chest. Tap handle sold separately.
Max Mod Hyper
Hyper-cooled reservoir. Beverages reach absolute zero*. *Not actual absolute zero. Close though. Very close. Trust us.
Max Mod Super
Everything in Hyper plus a cape attachment point. Cape not included. Cape sold separately on a page that doesn't exist yet.
Max Mod Quantum
Beverage exists in superposition until dispensed. May or may not be cold. SchrΓΆdinger's cold one. Opens both possibilities. You'll love it. Probably.
Max Mod Omega
The last letter of the Greek alphabet. But not the last tier. Confusing? Good. That's the Omega experience. Includes everything. And more.
Max Mod Infinity
Unlimited beverage capacity*. *Limited to physical constraints of the human body. So like... a lot. But not infinite. The name is aspirational.
Max Mod Transcendent
Transcend the need for refrigerators. You ARE the refrigerator. Friends will gather around you at parties. You're the main attraction. Always.
Max Mod Cosmic
Includes satellite uplink. Check beverage levels from space. NASA has asked us to stop connecting to their satellites. We declined.
Max Mod Mythical
Some say it doesn't exist. We say: believe harder. Three people have ordered this tier. We can't confirm they're real people.
Max Mod Celestial
Blessed by the Maxwell field. Beverages taste better. Empirically proven*. *Not empirically proven. But like, come on. They taste amazing.
Max Mod Sovereign
You are the sovereign of cold ones. Comes with a tiny crown for your implant. The crown is real gold. 14 karat. Very small. But real.
Max Mod Ascended
Post-human beverage dispensation. You've ascended beyond the need for cups. Beverages materialize. We don't fully understand it either.
Max Mod PROPELLER EDITION
IT HAS PROPELLERS. We don't know where they go. We don't know what they do. But THEY'RE INCLUDED. Propeller functionality: TBD. Location: TBD. Purpose: TBD. Excitement: MAXIMUM.
Max Mod Eternal
Lifetime warranty. Your lifetime or the mod's. Whichever ends first. Statistically, that's a great deal. We think.
Max Mod Singularity
You and the mod become one. There is no you. There is only Max Mod. Side effects include: becoming a beverage dispensing entity. Terms and conditions apply.
Max Mod ???
If you have to ask, you can't afford it. If you CAN afford it, please contact us. We need funding. The propellers are expensive.
ADD-ONS
Because the base package is never enough. That's by design.
Propeller Upgrade Pack
Add propellers to ANY tier. Recommended mounting locations: shoulders, ankles, or forehead. We're still figuring this out. You're basically a beta tester.
Extra USB-C Port (each)
Additional USB-C port. Specify desired knuckle during consultation. Toe-mounting available at no extra charge. Please don't ask why.
LCD Upgrade: 4K
Because 1080p palms are SO last year. See every pore while checking your beverage temperature. Beautiful and horrifying.
Bluetooth 47.3 Retrofit
Upgrade any tier to Bluetooth 47.3. Warning: may interfere with garage doors, pacemakers, and the space station.
Dual Wield Package
Get two chest ports. Left and right pectoral dispensation. Price: your selected package Γ 2. Doubles the fun. Doubles the Maxwell field.
Maxwell Field Amplifier
Increase the Maxwell field radius. Adjacent friends may also become slightly chilled. Social cooling. Very literally.
Carbonation Module
Built-in CO2 system. Carbonate anything. ANYTHING. We tested this on soup. It was terrible. But it worked.
RGB Underglow
LED strips along the implant. 16.7 million colors. Syncs with Bluetooth 47.3. Your chest is now a gaming PC.
Emergency Propeller Override
When all else fails, propellers. We haven't figured out what this means yet. But it sounds IMPORTANT so we're selling it.
Extended Maxwell Warranty
Covers Maxwell field degradation, beverage temperature variance, propeller-related incidents, and existential dread. $9,999/year.
COMPARISON TABLE
Scroll right. Keep scrolling. There's more. We're sorry.
| FEATURE | Nano $5K | Basic $15K | Pro $35K | Ultra $45K | Quantum $100K | PROPELLER EDITION $500K | Singularity $1000K |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Button | β | β | β | Γ2 | Quantum | All | You |
| Reservoir | β | 32oz | 48oz | Dual 48oz | Superposition | All | You |
| USB-C Ports | β | 2 | 3 | 4 | 8 | All | You |
| Bluetooth | β | 5.0 | 47.3 | 47.3 | 47.3+ | All | You |
| LCD | β | β | Color | Color Touch | Holographic | All | You |
| Propellers | β | β | β | β | β | β (TBD) | You |
| Neural Link | β | β | β | β | Pending | Ask Again Later | You ARE The Link |
| Carbonation | β | β | β | Add-on | Technically | Sure Why Not | β |
| Cup Holder | β | β | β | β | Quantum | You Don't Need Cups | You ARE The Cup |
| Warranty | 30 days | 90 days | 1 year | 2 years | Until Observed | Eternal* | N/A (You Are Eternal) |
| Vibes | Minimal | Adequate | Strong | Immaculate | Transcendent | πππ | αΉΌΜ·Μ§iΜΈΜ’bΜ΅Μ°eΜΈΜ‘sΜ·Μ± |
All prices in USD unless you're paying in points, in which case multiply by 1,000. We don't accept points. But we thought you should know the conversion rate.
Propeller functionality not guaranteed in any tier including the Propeller Edition. The word "propeller" is used in an aspirational context. We aspire to propellers.
Maxwell field interference may cause: tingling, mild levitation, radio reception, spontaneous magnetism, enhanced flavor perception, involuntary Bluetooth pairing, or a general sense of wellbeing. These are features, not bugs.
Installation performed by our R&D team who, we remind you, said this was impossible. They're doing it anyway. Under protest. Their protest has been noted and filed.
Refund policy: No. Returns policy: Also no. Exchange policy: You can exchange your Max Mod for a different Max Mod of equal or greater value. So basically: upgrade or nothing.
By reading this fine print you have agreed to participate in our clinical trial. By continuing to read, you have also agreed to a follow-up clinical trial. By finishing this sentence, you're on the waitlist for the propeller beta.
"Standard Plus" is different from "Standard" in exactly one way. We won't tell you what way. That's part of the Plus experience.
The Max Mod ??? tier exists outside of conventional pricing models. If you have been chosen by the ??? tier, you already know. If you haven't, stop clicking it.